One of the things that happens when you become a business owner is that you learn pretty stinking quickly the things about yourself that aren’t quite ideal. Over the past 2+ years it has certainly come to my attention that I suck at celebrating the small stuff. How quickly I overlook/speed past what’s going “well”, to instantly & endlessly focus on what’s not. Those accomplished firsts/great successes/enormous triumphs not celebrated, but rather and quite often, twisted and morphed in my mind to be something that could have even still gone better, been more, lead to something further. Always, always, always looking towards “what’s next.”
The past two weeks have really been monumental. I don’t often even use that word or look at week long periods of my life as “successes”. But if I really stop for five bloody minutes to see how far I’ve come since leaving my career in nursing and embarking on the great unknown, the last two weeks of my life have signified some pretty powerful stuff.
It’s always a little scary to know how honest to be on this blog, but as a means of being more transparent, I’ll share that I’ve been struggling with “where I’m at” as a small business for a really really long time. From an outsiders perspective it may appear that the last two years have gone really well, and in many, many respects they have. But there are also those aspects of my business that feel like major failures. I was inspired after reading this post last night by my dear friend Andie about the concept of “failing up”. I will be making some really drastic changes with my brands in the coming weeks, and have feared that these changes and the things I’m leaving “behind” will not be viewed as a “choice of change” but might rather be deemed as failures. But as Andie mentioned in her own post, many of these negative comments associated with change that we repeat over and over in our own heads, are merely born of our own precarious thinking. If I’m honest with myself I know I consistently question whether those things that pang me most about my businesses are reflections of failure, but should rather maybe just see them as a transition of growth and choice for something new and different. I often expect that the path I’m on has finally got to be the “right one” rarely considering that this path might just simply be leading me on to a new one – maybe even “THE” one.
After reading Andie’s post, I’m choosing to view these upcoming changes as a degree of “failing up”. There are portions of my brand that just aren’t working for me anymore. Not for me, not for my work/life balance, and not for my feelings of accomplishment, success and fulfillment. So many times in my life I have viewed transitions and moving on to new things as an indicator that there is something I’m failing at (hence the need for change) rather than seeing it as something I am just choosing not to keep doing. The aspects of my brands that I’m moving away from really are choices and not failures when I allow myself grace, and look at everything that’s changing with an open heart and open mind. I could easily keep doing those parts of my brand that don’t feel quite right anymore, but really if they aren’t making me happy what’s the point? AND the most enticing part of it all is that I know in my gut all of these changes are for the right reasons, and that they will inevitably make me feel more confident and create better opportunities that feel right (hence that failing “up” concept). AND I’m REALLY REALLY REALLY excited for what’s to come as a result of all the change. Plus, the past two weeks have provided an endless stream of confirmation that the decisions and changes I’m making with my brand this year are the RIGHT ones.
One of those things that felt “oh so right” when all was said and done these past two weeks was my recent collaboration with Jasmine. I can’t even put into words how much I admire this woman as an entrepreneur and fellow creative, and any chance I have to create with her is a total dream. This particular project allowed me to do all the things I love so much and really solidified SO MANY feelings I’ve been having for the past few months – what a blessing eh?. I’m so grateful that JD took this picture – he probably has no idea what I see when I look at this image. I see a smile on my face that is genuine in more ways than one. I see a creative friend who so selflessly gave up a day in her week to help me when I need it (Julie I’m so incredibly thankful for your friendship!). I see hard work – a kernel of an idea blossoming to life in a little over a week’s time. I see growth – I reflect on my styling work from the past and feel joyous of how far I’ve come. I see transition and happy change. I see exactly the role I want to live out day after day in the creative industry. I see generosity in the kind rental contributors of the shoot. I see collaboration with people I not only admire greatly but consider dear friends. I see the love my husband has for me every time he leaves the house for work so that I can keep pushing towards my dreams. I see myself – my true, honest self – that person I wanted to be all those years ago but was too afraid to fight for.
I’ll be sharing many more images from this shoot, as well as all the changes happening with myself and my brands more formally in the coming weeks. Until then I think I’m going to continue taking some time to smile and celebrate all of the successes big and small over the past two years. Change has ALWAYS been tough for me, but I’m realizing that with change comes immense growth and the possibility of finding something I didn’t even know I was looking for in the first place.
photo credit : {jasmine star photography}
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